2/21/2023 0 Comments Maneater sharks![]() ![]() I can’t imagine how much they invested on these aquatic sculptures to box office bombs like Waterworld and Demolition Man. They have covered the floor of my rivers and sea with references from the 1990s. Hunters are playthings, not legitimate adversaries. I can jump 40 feet in the air, and bat a human body like Mark McGwire in the surprise home run bonanza of 1998. But I will remind you that my teeth are made of lighting my fin, of rock and my tail, it spews poison. If I eat enough beachgoers and destroy enough of their tacky boats, then a supposedly “talented” hunter is alerted to my whereabouts. Some humans intend to interfere with my fun. You know those novelty rooms humans visit, where they put on protective gear and break stuff with baseball bats and sledgehammers. ![]() ![]() It feels good to be a “thoughtless” creature of hunger and rage. Did you know that if humans were to disappear, nature would rapidly reclaim the planet, restoring Gaia to its true state? This is why I eat. I spent many hours in my grotto reading this book while removing his bones from my teeth. That reminds me: one time I ate a man carrying a book called The World Without Us. So that I may better destroy their ever-larger hunting boats that puke smoke and gasoline. No, my life story would be a revenge fantasy against climate change deniers, these people who destroy my home by polluting it with oil and trash. Not against the shark hunter who killed my mother. Does this make me a narcissist? I think it’s a revenge fantasy. I confess to you that when I, Shark, look at my broken reflection in the abandoned submarine in my grotto, I wonder what type of book would capture my life. If I get tired of eating however many sea turtles the voice asks of me, I can always go in search of landmarks or focus on self-improvement. The voice in my head never tires of things for me to do, and while most of them lack challenge, they keep me swimming. Mostly, the other fish and the human global elite. I was going to eat people anyway.Įvery so often I find the direction of this voice a bit crass, like when it tells me to eat homeless people, and I say, “Really? Haven’t they been through enough? That is biting down.”īut for the most part, the voice has a good sense of humor about what I should and shouldn’t consume. The voice says to eat 15 people outside a condominium, so sure, why not. It tells me to eat 10 fish in a certain dirty cove, so I eat the fish. Each day, I look for giant license plates floating in the air above the water or hiding in bioluminescent caves. The waters are fortunately thick with fish and flesh, so I am never for want. You see, self-improvement requires self-reflection, but also lots of resources, like protein, fats, and minerals. The few sharks I have met, I ate for their precious meat. I prefer to eat humans when they look like cartoon characters, not victims in an ICU.įrankly, I do not know. But occasionally I remove a leg or an arm from a human, and they cry for help, hobbling away toward what they hope is safety. Often this is funny, like I’m pulverizing crash test dummies. When I do get ahold of my targets, they squirm and wiggle. I am unrefined, but that’s OK, because if I keep chomping and chewing, nothing will survive my appetite. It can be quite annoying at times for me to lock onto my prey. However, when it comes to attacking fish and humans and itty-bitty baby seals, I will confess I am quite clumsy. I swim with the grace of a dolphin and the speed of a cheetah. My tail releases poison.Īll in all, life in the waters is good these days. My fin now turns to stone and cuts through sailboats like a sword through a sheet of paper. My jaw will electrocute a school of mahi mahi with a single chomp. After a day of gnashing and noshing, I return to my grotto to improve myself, both figuratively and literally. I am so very large, like the shark in 2018’s surprise box office success, The Meg. ![]() I am now an Elder shark, and I go anywhere and everywhere. On the other fin, I was still too small to go everywhere I’d like. On one fin, I was eating more people than ever. I could jump 15 feet through the air, catch a grouper in my maw, and swat my tail into puny humans, sending them on a free vacation into the horizon. I am Shark, yes, but I am also introspective. Bayous! Resorts! The Gulf! I am big, and yet, the world is bigger. But the more I ate, the more I grew, the more I could do, and the more places I could visit. As a baby shark, I could barely eat a turtle, let alone leap into the air. ![]()
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